I went to Cuba with my now ex-girlfriend last year for my birthday, but the whole trip felt really platonic. We went with her roommate. The whole thing felt off -just like our trip to Vancouver earlier that year. The whole trip felt like every time I was enjoying myself, something would come up and remind me “oh wait, you have to feel bad about this now.”
We’re broken up now and I just want to delete all the pictures from the trip. Thinking back to those memories makes me uncomfortable because they’re no longer good memories. They don’t serve any purpose. I just want to delete all the memories, drop the person and just have the whole thing be out of sight, out of mind.
Even though we weren’t acting like a couple at the time, I still found good moments in the trip. It was my first time going on an all-inclusive trip like that. I read a lot of books on the beach, visited a local lobster shack and rode around in old school vehicles. I saw a starfish for the first time, spent all day on the beach getting a nice tan and collected seashells. I had never had a massage before that trip! It was nice to decompress. There are still good memories, but I still want to delete all the pictures.
My best moment on that trip was when I went on a walk by myself.
It was super awesome. I woke up one morning and saw I was the only one up. I asked my ex if she wanted to join me for the walk and she said no. I left by myself. It was early and I walked all the way down the beach to an isolated little curve along the coast. Then there was this lonely chair, just sitting there on this one bank of sand all by itself. It was so quiet. So, I sat there and looked at the ocean.
I didn’t have to worry about what was going on with my relationship, who was pissed off at me or anything like that. That morning, it was just nice to be in the moment.
(Interviewed and written up by Alya Somar; photo by Nolan Brinson))